Wednesday, 27 December 2017

The year of falling apart

December is the time when reviews of the past year appear so here is mine. This is a tough post to write and is a bit of a confessional. I haven’t had a good year. It makes me sad as I had done so well in 2016 but basically this year I blew it. All the hard work and effort I put in have been undone and I’m pretty much back to where I started.

So why did it happen? Same old story really. Things I can’t control in my life like crippling financial debts overwhelmed me. I was working longer hours trying to put food on the table and get my girls what they needed. Somewhere along the line, it became easier to stop caring for myself. Exercise was the first thing to go as I told myself I couldn’t spare the time away from work. Then the odd little cheat crept into my first. This escalated until I was back in the cycle of feeling sad and anxious for at least some point of every day. I tried to solve this by basically throwing food down my throat. People describe it as trying to eat your feelings, well I must have consumed mine a hundred times over.

I felt as if I didn’t have any fight left so it was easier to give up and succumb to suffocating myself in a sea of doughnuts and cakes. The more I did it, the more I hated myself and then the more I ate to try and push down that hatred. St John’s Wort has saved me many times in the past but I was in such a terrible financial state for a few months that I couldn’t even afford it. Walking around Aldi with a calculator every week and then working out what I would have to put back was a bit soul destroying and I turned to cheap crap processed food for myself. You might ask why didn’t I go to my doctors for help or ask anyone for financial help? One of my issues is a terrible fear of being viewed as a failure. I got myself in this mess so it’s down to me to sort it out. My ex husband has helped me out on numerous occasions but I try only to ask if it involves the girls as he pays me a huge amount each month anyway plus he doesn’t earn a fortune now and he has his elderymum to care for. My doctor isn’t very sympathetic and I would prefer not to involve him as I know he would make me feel bad about my weight, he’s done it before.

So how do I stop this spiral of what I suppose is a form of self abuse? I’m trying to go back to basics. I’ve been reading Russell Brands book about addiction and it has helped me to focus. This is my action plan/survival guide.

1. The new year will be my new start. It gives me a focal point.

2. I’m going back to Weightwatchers as I hope the new Flex programme will suit me better.

3. Self care is my priority for the year.

4. I need to remember that exercise will also help my state of mind.

5. There are things in my life I can’t control at the moment (debt) so I have to learn to accept that and just do what I can. That doesn’t mean I am a failure.

I hope this will help. I’m also writing a book about life as a single parent which is my first attempt at a work of fiction. It’s proving to be an interesting experience and quite a cathartic one so far.

Well, there you have it. I screwed up! Not for the first time but hopefully for the last time. I’m in a decent mindset at the moment although writing all this down has made me want to cry a little. I’m just waiting to have money at the end of December to order my Weightwatchers starter kit then I will be back here on a regular basis. I just wanted to explain to you what had happened. I’ve made a couple of attempts to get started again but this time I mean it.

Thank you if you have stuck with my blog still. I do appreciate it. Speak to you soon

Love Erica xxx

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